Desparation DRABBLE
by drumgirl94
Summary: just some thoughts of a different way of a relationship


It was your usual Friday night. We were hanging out at Ryos place, talking dumb shit, having fun and drinking. As the evening went on, one after another left and soon it was just me and Ryo. Now we had that strange little thing going on at the moment. We were joking around about having a relationship like 'friends with benefits' but it was just us messing around. Or so I thought. Over the last weeks I figured he was more serious about it and I started to think about it, too. "C'mon Rika, what's so bad about it? It's just two adults having fun, nothing more..." were his words.

I was brainstorming about it all week and when the next weekend came to meet everyone, I was a little nervous. I did think about the 'thing' that could probably happen, and I wasn't turned off or disgusted or anything by it. It was more like...yeah, what happens, that happens.

So there we were, sitting on his couch, in his dark living room, just the two of us, watching a movie. Henry left like an hour ago and left me alone with Ryo and my brain, which was driving me crazy. Thought of what could happen ran through my head back and forth, I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. To be honest, I was confused and it felt weird, but on the other hand I was excited and scared at the same time.

It became a thing for us to at least seek the other ones body warmth while watching and some kind of cuddling became another thing for us.

As we were lying close he suddenly asked: "So...are you up for something?" I felt blood shooting right into my face and said nothing at first. "Rika?" Ashamed, of what, I didn't even know, I answered: "Maybe later." He let it go then but it didn't take long for him to ask again: "What's on your mind?"

I took a deep breath: "It's just the thing about us, you know...you offer...you know..." I buried my face into his shoulder, "sex without commitment and...I don't know...It's not that I don't want to but,...I'm scared."

He turned to me: "But what are you scared of?" "I don't even know, I'm...confused...Maybe someone getting hurt...someone developing feelings and not receiving it back...but most importantly I'm scared for our friendship. What we have right now...I don't wanna loose it."

He chuckled and put an arm around me: "Don't worry wildcat, nothing will change. At least not for me." I also chuckled: "But I'm still scared..." I lifted my head and looked at him. Our faces where only inches apart as he looked back at me. He was smiling: "Don't be..." His look was assuring, as was his smile. "How can I ensure you, princess?" I looked down, sighted and looked back up again: "I don't know, I just feel insecure about it. I really don't want to loose it or make it weird."

"It only is weird if you let it get that way. Like I said, just two adults having fun, nothing more, nothing less." I was quiet for a while, never leaving his gaze: "But..."

He deepened his smile: "There's no but...do you trust me?" I nodded, feeling tension building up insight my stomach and butterflies going crazy down there.

He leaned in closer, his forehead touching mine. I closed my eyes, my mouth getting dry. "How can I assure you?" I couldn't answer but my mind went like: just kiss me and get things going! Just do it because I'm too coward to do! Please just kiss me!

So I was in a place where I wanted it, but I just couldn't ignite it. For the love of god, I just couldn't. I was so badly hoping for him to start it that I totally blacked out for a second there. And the fact, that I didn't say anything must've somehow told him to back off instead of getting it going. He pulled back and pulled me closer to his cheast again. Some silence passed by until I started: "I'm sorry...I feel so bad right now."

Ryo, being the gentleman, just said: "You don't have to. I'll not pressure anything. You are ready when you are ready." I turned up to him again and sighted. If he only knew that he just had to kiss me. And why on earth can't I just tell him? I'm so confused. But most of all scared to loose him with that. But I really just want him to make the first move. To kiss me. To softly touch me and to get things going slowly. Not rushing into it. Being too hasty. That would be the worst.

It's stupid, but I just need the time to get used to it slowly. Slowly but safely I think I could do it. But for tonight I guess it's over. It's my own fault, just talk to him, damn it! But I'm too scared. I have to believe in his intuition. He has to see next time, when I look at him, put my face in his direction, that he just has to kiss me and things will go their way. At least I hope that. It can't be bad unless you try, right?

I'm just not the person to start it, I'm all talk but when it comes to it, I chicken out. God, I'm just an idiot. I keep making up false hopes for him and can't stay true to my own statement. Get that fear out of my system, please.

My gaze must've been on him all the time as he asked, smiling his beautiful smile at me: "What?" I came back to reality, shook my head and smiled: "Nothing...just my brain going crazy..." He smiled, pressed my head against his chest and said: "Don't pressure yourself...if you don't want to, I respect that."

Oh, how I DID want it...

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**Just a little drabble that's been on my mind lately. hope you enjoyed. leave a comment  
Love, Drumgirl94  
**


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